


I'll Lay A Flower On Your Grave For Each Day That You've Been Gone

by myaekingheart



Series: The Scarecrow and the Bell [12]
Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29257023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myaekingheart/pseuds/myaekingheart
Summary: An account of Kakashi's visits to his father's grave, a consistent comfort in an everchanging life.(Standalone companion piece to The Scarecrow and The Bell)
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Hatake Sakumo, Hatake Kakashi/Original Female Character(s)
Series: The Scarecrow and the Bell [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913203
Kudos: 4





	I'll Lay A Flower On Your Grave For Each Day That You've Been Gone

**Author's Note:**

> This is a tribute to my late grandfather on the anniversary of his death. I hope he's proud of me, too.

Kakashi slid the knife through the belly of his fish, careful not to make a mess. He thought of the sharpness of the blade, how easy it would be to hurt himself. And then, in the back of his mind, he felt a presence. “Oh, that’s right” he said aloud, looking up from his work to no one in particular. “It’s tomorrow.”

He was only a child. It was criminal for him to live this way, but he was merely caught in the unfortunate aftermath of his father’s consequences. Sakumo’s grave was lonely and sad as Kakashi laid a single flower upon the stone. “You broke the rules to protect your friends” he spoke. “I’ve been starting to make friends, too.” He thought of sweet Rin, her cheeks pink and promising, her smile like a sunbeam. He thought of Obito, oozing gumption and determination, always desperate to prove himself. He thought of Guy with his bushy eyebrows and the constant energy pinging around in his body. He thought of the little girl next door, gangly legs and haywire hair. They were of no importance to him. They were disposable. Or at least that was what he told himself, what he drilled into his head day in and day out to numb the fear and pain. “I won’t end up like you, dad” Kakashi murmured. “I’ll obey the rules.”

* * *

Kakashi clenched his fist at his side as he fell to his knees at Sakumo’s grave. “I’m sorry I haven’t been by” he murmured, voice choked and desperate. “I made jonin.” He wondered if his father would be proud. Kakashi didn’t think he would. He tried to hold back tears—after all, shinobi don’t cry—but he couldn’t restrain himself any longer. A sob broke past his lips, he slammed his fist to the grass, then tried to compose himself. He was a jonin, but he was still only a child.

“You were right” Kakashi whispered. “Those who break the rules are scum, but those who would abandon a comrade are worse than scum. Father…I’m worse than scum.”

He could still hear the avalanche rumbling in his ears, feel the dust and debris choking his lungs. He could still feel Obito’s grip as he threw Kakashi to the wayside, out of the line of fire. Kakashi brought a hand up to his left eye, that secondhand sharingan burning.

“I know better now” he whispered. “I won’t ever let my comrades die again.”

* * *

All Rin ever did was love him. Even if Kakashi did not love himself, even if he did not love _her_. None of that seemed to matter to Rin. Her admiration was unconditional. And he killed her. He broke her heart and he killed her, too.

He still remembered the argument from before they left clear as day. The way she tried to convince him that he was not a terrible person, the way she tried to comfort him and show him her love. She reached a hand out to touch his face and Kakashi turned away violently. “Don’t do that” he muttered. “Don’t ever do that again.”

The look on her face, the heartbreak and disappointment—in the aftermath, it was something that Kakashi never got out of his head. And then he killed her. She begged him to kill her, and he refused. He had made a promise to Obito. He swore to protect her. And then she ran in front of him, stabbed herself with his own jutsu. Lightning pulsed around his fist, feeling the warmth of her blood running down his arm. She coughed his name, eyes wide and blood trickling down his lips.

Kakashi didn’t know how to tell his father. He didn’t even want to. His legs moved on their own accord, however, as he found himself stumbling into the cemetery in the middle of the night. “Father…I’m a monster” Kakashi whispered. “I promised to protect someone, and I couldn’t even do that. I’m a failure. _I wish I was dead_.”

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t considered it multiple times over. To die would be an awfully convenient remedy to the life he seemed to continue fucking up. As he stood at the sink, scrubbing his hands until they bled, he considered the knife. He hovered the blade over his forearm, then thought better of himself and threw it across the room. The blade stuck in the wall with a soft thud. Kakashi fell to his knees and broke down.

* * *

The assignment was simple. Simply guard Kushina during her pregnancy. Make sure nothing happens to her. Kakashi refused to falter. He guarded her day and night, watching as her belly expanded and she had to find new ways to maneuver around her everyday life.

Watching Kushina gave him a lot of time to think about life. He wondered what it felt like to grow a child inside of you, to feel every kick and flutter and shift. To know that there is an entirely new human being just waiting to bust forth into the world. Kakashi wondered if he would ever have children, then thought better of it. He was undeserving of a family. He glanced out to the streets below, his eyes trailing to the bookshop. He thought of the little girl next door, of the separate life she might be leading. He still heard her screams in the back of his mind as he denounced his support, as he abandoned her. He had no other choice. He couldn’t afford to lose her, too. And yet whenever he envisioned his future, whenever he thought of his wife and children, she was always at the dead center. Kakashi shook the thoughts from his head and returned his mind back to the mission at hand. This was all that mattered now. He was a soldier—nothing more, nothing less.

And then came the delivery. Kakashi blinked as Minato relieved him of his duties shortly before Kushina gave birth. He wondered whether this was the right path to follow, whether Minato was making the right decision. Kakashi had thought that guarding Kushina during her pregnancy meant her _whole_ pregnancy, delivery included. He wondered if things would’ve been different if he had been there. If there was something he could’ve done. If he could’ve saved his sensei and his wife.

“The world is changing” Kakashi muttered as he cleaned the debris off of his father’s grave. Smoke still hung heavy in the air, the village around them in shambles. “I wish I knew what to do. I wish you were here to teach me.” He felt a pair of familiar eyes on his back but when he turned around, no one was there.

* * *

Kakashi didn’t want it to be this way. He didn’t want her following him into the depths of hell. Rei had proven herself strong and capable but that meant nothing to him. He still saw her as that gangly child who lived next door, her crooked grin pure and bright. As she progressed through the ANBU, however, it became clear to him that she was nothing like the person he once knew. He supposed she could say the same about him. Their lives were completely separate from each other now. There was no reason for them to reunite. They would conduct themselves professionally—nothing more, nothing less.

Yet still, as Kakashi sat yet again at his father’s grave, he felt a tug in his chest. “I’m proud of her” he whispered, “But I’m scared for her.” Visions of those he had already lost flickered through his mind: his father’s lifeless body, Obito crushed by rocks, Rin murmuring his name, his sensei found bloody and tearstained. Kakashi could not afford to lose anyone else. An ache struck his heart and he winced from the strength of it. “I wish I knew what to do” he whispered, reaching out to rest a hand on the grave. “I think I love her.”

* * *

Love was not something that Kakashi had ever imagined for himself. He didn’t consider himself worthy. And yet here he was, falling into it as naturally as ever, with the woman he had known his whole life. She changed something in him, she brought something warm and familiar to his cold and distant life. He kissed her for the first time on the roof, covered in soap suds and dog hair. In that moment, lips pressed together and hands interlocked, nothing had felt more perfect. For the first time in his life, he felt at peace. But she wasn’t enough. She wasn’t enough to reverse the damage that had been done, to thaw Kakashi’s heart completely. He was consequently removed from the ANBU and placed as a jonin leader. The thought of leading children terrified him. What if he made a mistake? What if he led them to their deaths? What if he didn’t teach them well enough and set them up for failure? He could not afford to lose anyone else.

“I wish I didn’t feel so aimless” Kakashi spoke, sitting cross-legged before his father’s grave. “Father, please…tell me how to do this. Tell me how to not fuck up.”

When there was no reply, Kakashi knew it was time to head home.

* * *

Kakashi made plenty of mistakes. He was not strict enough, not understanding enough. He was ill prepared for the task at hand. Hiruzen had given him the team of a lifetime: a vengeful Uchiha, a determined orphan, and a ditsy girl. He chewed over the hokage’s words to him as he made his way to the cemetery, explaining of how the dynamics of such a team were time-tested, reflected in that of the Sannin and Kakashi’s own childhood team. The mere mention of Obito and Rin sent a shiver down his spine. He refused to let these kids face the same fates. And yet even then, he failed. Sasuke defected from the village, committing acts of global terrorism for the sake of avenging his clan. Naruto fought to get stronger, and Sakura trained to become a medic-ninja. They were out of his hands. They were no longer his to command and teach. He was proud of their strength and resiliency, but at what cost? Was it so wrong to want to feel needed sometimes?

But then he thought of Rei. He thought of the ring in his back pocket. “Father…I’m going to ask Rei to marry me” he smiled softly. “I wish I just knew when to ask, and how. I want everything to be perfect. I wish I had known how you proposed to my mother. I wish you could tell me how to be a loving and deserving husband. I wish you could see the woman that Rei has grown into. You would be so proud. I wish you were here.”

* * *

Rei hugged their daughter close as she followed Kakashi into the cemetery. Before them, men worked tirelessly to complete the carving of Kakashi’s face into the great stone monument. He was a husband, a father, and hokage.

Nariko’s eyes widened as they approached the grave, holding onto her mother tightly. “It’s okay, sweetheart” Rei whispered into her daughter’s ear. Kakashi reached out to take her in his own hands, brushing the fine pale hair out of her face as he knelt down before the grave.

“This is my father, Sakumo” he introduced, pointing to the name inscribed. “He was a great ninja who passed away too soon. I only hope he could’ve met you. He would’ve loved you lots.”

“He would?” Nariko asked.

Kakashi nodded, a bittersweet smile touching his lips as he planted a tender kiss on his daughter’s forehead. “I guarantee it” he whispered.

He turned to the grave and tears welled up in his eyes. _Father_ , he thought, hoping Sakumo could hear him from the ether, _I’ve come so far. I have everything I ever wanted, but never thought I’d have. I just wish you could be here to see it all. You would be so proud._

A soft breeze blew through the air. Cherry blossoms skated across the current. The sun peeked out through the clouds and touched Kakashi’s face with it’s warmth and in that moment he knew, his father was always with him. His father had been watching him all this time. His father was proud.


End file.
